Friday, September 30, 2011
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Just a Dream
I woke up in a startle, sweating heavily right through my thin cotton night gown.
"not again," I whisper to myself in the quiet of the night.
"not another nightmare."
I strongly remember that in this one I was dreaming about being left all alone, abandoned, in a place that reeked a horrid, rancid smell of pure fear. My own fear. A place where darkness consumed all that was around you in every direction as far as the eye could possibly see.
I shiver just thinking about it.
I turn in my bed to look over at my alarm clock to the right of me on my little wooden night stand. " it's only 3:17 in the morning."
I reluctantly lay back down in my warm bed, hoping that I might get a bit more sleep before 5 a.m. came around. I slowly let my eyes close shut. let my mind drift off to a far off place. A horrid flash back of the recent nightmare comes flooding to me without any warning. Some oddly familiar, skinny built, tall male is walking away from me, ignoring my desperate pleas for him to turn around and come back rushing to my aid. I hastily reach up and out with my right hand, hoping to just stop him, but with no luck. The tips of my scraped up fingers just barley brush the back of his leg on his dirty, denim blue jeans.
"NO." I strongly declare out loud. My voice cracks a bit under my weekend state.
I demand myself to stop this terrifying flashback from continuing on any further, but with no avail. It continues on without my consent. Like horror movie that I can't escape from.
I can clearly see myself painfully struggling to get this mans attention and to stay sitting up while on the hard, cold, cement ground.
"Please don't leave. I need you to be with me." I hear myself call out.
I see him ahead of me in the midst of the darkness, stopping abruptly as if to ponder his thoughts on what I've just said out loud. As if he were intrigued about what I had to say to him. Even though my words to him were out of pure desperation.
I continue speaking, trying to hold his attention a little bit longer.
"I need you. Your absence in my life has gone right through me, Like double edged swords piercing my heart at every possible angle"
At this moment I remember who this man standing in front of me is. I remember just what he had meant to me.
"I think I should have loved you presently, and given in earnest words flung like nothing but jest; and had I lifted honest eyes for you to see."
I let my words puncture the darkly, thick air and gently float over to where he stood standing with his back still turned to me.
With those words have been said I gained the needed strength to fully stand up on my own. As if admitting the truth to him allowed me to gain back the strength that I needed.
"I should have caught your hand every time it brushed my cheek in affection"
I slowly take a single step forward in his far off direction.
"with all our clothes flung aside, I should have presented my soul to you. With that that won you to me."
I take yet another small step forward trying to close the darkly, evident space between us.
"And beneath your gaze, naked of reticence and shorn of sheer pride. I, that had belonged to you, had you remained, but one more waking from this recurrent dream. cherish no less that which was gained."
With the space between us now almost gone I gently reach up and put my right hand on his bare left shoulder. His milky white skin was smooth, and warm under the cold touch of my cold, weekend hand. He slowly turned around as if to brace himself for what he was about to see.
He saw me in a simple dress that flowed down all the way down to my bare feet. He saw how the sleeves of my dress loosely fell off my shoulders revealing the innocent glowing skin of my body he once had touched and longed for so many times before.
When he finally turned around the first thing I saw was his velvety chocolate eyes looking right into my own. On his perfectly shaped head I saw a mess of straw golden yellow hairs that sat peacefully on top of his head. Just stayed there just waiting for my fingers to run through it, combing his mess into place.
"I have just one wish. I wish to wake up every day with your sweet breathe on my neck, the warmth of your lips on my dear cheek, the touch of your fingers all over my skin. I wish to wake up everyday with your heart beating along side mine."
He reaches out and gently puts his pointer finger to my moving lips. I stop talking only long enough to hear what he has to say.
"You are all that I hold most dear to my heart. You are my dreams and fantasies fulfilled. you are a wonderland filled with grace and promise. You are the the beauty that makes the sun want to come back up every single morning. You are my one and only sunshine. I love you."
And with that he put his strong hands around my face and pulls me in closer, and kisses me with nothing more than pure passion. I allow myself to wrap my thin arms up around his neck and sink into his chest. His deliciously sweet kiss sweeps me off my feet making my insides quiver with delite happiness.
He slowly pulls away from me, only to whisper "I'll never let you go" into my ear. That one whisper just starts chipping away at my common sense. His words, his every move, makes me loose all of my self control.I see what my mind only wants me to see. The perfect delusion.
The worst part is about to begin. I struggle with myself just trying to make this flashback end. I
try to make my eyes open back up to the real world. I fight back in a painful battle against my very own mind. I continue lying in bed, trying to get myself to wake up, move about. Do something to prevent this from continuing on any more.
I'm nestled comfortably in his protective arms that are wrapped around me. My tired head is resting gently on his slim, relaxed, chest as we sway back and forth gently together to a beat of music that only we can hear. i can strongly feel the fire filled heat rising up from his lower body. My own body ached all over for him so badly.
I pull way from his strong grasp as I glance up into his face. I witness his powerful dark eyes staring back at me. His eyes were filled with happiness along with a small pinch of pure lust swirling around, filling them up.
He leans down to me, touching his lips to mine once again. Only this time was different than before. He pressed his body up against mine with a brutal force that I had never felt from him before.
His hands that were once so soft, and gentle had become rough and stone cold. The once exhilarating heat that I had just felt from his body was now gone and replaced with frigid, and cold. I felt his tense hands gnawing madly at my thin dress covering my now frightened body. I struggled to pull myself out of his arms, but I did not leave them. He was far to strong for me.
He stops his hands mid action and looks at me. The frightening expression he had terrified me even more.
"I'm here with you, in your arms. Is that not enough?" I ask him with a hint of uncertainty in my now weak voice. "Did you transcend into a dark world of sensual emptiness, and come back with a heart filled with nothing but bitter lust?"
He looked at me with anger boiling in his intense eyes.
"My mind is going insane... Your standing right in front of me looking radiantly beautiful in your thin dress. I want to feel the sensation of your delicious body embracing mine. I'm mesmerized by the way you move. Your like an alluring drug to my body, and I'm becoming more and more addicted as time goes by." He said.
I'm filled with a repulsive disgust after hearing those words come out of his mouth.
"Do you not hear the words that your saying out loud? Your smitten with yourself. I am a woman who has self worth, morals, and dreams. Your repulsive, scheming actions attract only those who are willing to embrace them. I, and never will be, one of them."
I felt stronger and more confident having divulged my inner thoughts to him.
His grip on me seemed weakened as I tried pulling my body away. His ruling influence over me was now almost nonexistent. It was as if he no longer had any affect on me.
I remember seeing his face, shocked and filled with a growing amount of hate. I loved seeing that expression. I felt in control rather than being a puppet.
At that moment my eyes sprang open as I awoke from the nightmare. The joyous sun was beginning to rise bring with it a new day full of opportunities... I lay there in the bed looking around. The colorful wires attached to my chest, the IV running underneath the fresh bandages on my scraped up arm, the constant beeping of the monitors conveying my heart beat. I look up the dreadfully white ceiling tiles and think to myself " Why did he have to hurt me?"
Written by Crystal M. Larson
"not again," I whisper to myself in the quiet of the night.
"not another nightmare."
I strongly remember that in this one I was dreaming about being left all alone, abandoned, in a place that reeked a horrid, rancid smell of pure fear. My own fear. A place where darkness consumed all that was around you in every direction as far as the eye could possibly see.
I shiver just thinking about it.
I turn in my bed to look over at my alarm clock to the right of me on my little wooden night stand. " it's only 3:17 in the morning."
I reluctantly lay back down in my warm bed, hoping that I might get a bit more sleep before 5 a.m. came around. I slowly let my eyes close shut. let my mind drift off to a far off place. A horrid flash back of the recent nightmare comes flooding to me without any warning. Some oddly familiar, skinny built, tall male is walking away from me, ignoring my desperate pleas for him to turn around and come back rushing to my aid. I hastily reach up and out with my right hand, hoping to just stop him, but with no luck. The tips of my scraped up fingers just barley brush the back of his leg on his dirty, denim blue jeans.
"NO." I strongly declare out loud. My voice cracks a bit under my weekend state.
I demand myself to stop this terrifying flashback from continuing on any further, but with no avail. It continues on without my consent. Like horror movie that I can't escape from.
I can clearly see myself painfully struggling to get this mans attention and to stay sitting up while on the hard, cold, cement ground.
"Please don't leave. I need you to be with me." I hear myself call out.
I see him ahead of me in the midst of the darkness, stopping abruptly as if to ponder his thoughts on what I've just said out loud. As if he were intrigued about what I had to say to him. Even though my words to him were out of pure desperation.
I continue speaking, trying to hold his attention a little bit longer.
"I need you. Your absence in my life has gone right through me, Like double edged swords piercing my heart at every possible angle"
At this moment I remember who this man standing in front of me is. I remember just what he had meant to me.
"I think I should have loved you presently, and given in earnest words flung like nothing but jest; and had I lifted honest eyes for you to see."
I let my words puncture the darkly, thick air and gently float over to where he stood standing with his back still turned to me.
With those words have been said I gained the needed strength to fully stand up on my own. As if admitting the truth to him allowed me to gain back the strength that I needed.
"I should have caught your hand every time it brushed my cheek in affection"
I slowly take a single step forward in his far off direction.
"with all our clothes flung aside, I should have presented my soul to you. With that that won you to me."
I take yet another small step forward trying to close the darkly, evident space between us.
"And beneath your gaze, naked of reticence and shorn of sheer pride. I, that had belonged to you, had you remained, but one more waking from this recurrent dream. cherish no less that which was gained."
With the space between us now almost gone I gently reach up and put my right hand on his bare left shoulder. His milky white skin was smooth, and warm under the cold touch of my cold, weekend hand. He slowly turned around as if to brace himself for what he was about to see.
He saw me in a simple dress that flowed down all the way down to my bare feet. He saw how the sleeves of my dress loosely fell off my shoulders revealing the innocent glowing skin of my body he once had touched and longed for so many times before.
When he finally turned around the first thing I saw was his velvety chocolate eyes looking right into my own. On his perfectly shaped head I saw a mess of straw golden yellow hairs that sat peacefully on top of his head. Just stayed there just waiting for my fingers to run through it, combing his mess into place.
"I have just one wish. I wish to wake up every day with your sweet breathe on my neck, the warmth of your lips on my dear cheek, the touch of your fingers all over my skin. I wish to wake up everyday with your heart beating along side mine."
He reaches out and gently puts his pointer finger to my moving lips. I stop talking only long enough to hear what he has to say.
"You are all that I hold most dear to my heart. You are my dreams and fantasies fulfilled. you are a wonderland filled with grace and promise. You are the the beauty that makes the sun want to come back up every single morning. You are my one and only sunshine. I love you."
And with that he put his strong hands around my face and pulls me in closer, and kisses me with nothing more than pure passion. I allow myself to wrap my thin arms up around his neck and sink into his chest. His deliciously sweet kiss sweeps me off my feet making my insides quiver with delite happiness.
He slowly pulls away from me, only to whisper "I'll never let you go" into my ear. That one whisper just starts chipping away at my common sense. His words, his every move, makes me loose all of my self control.I see what my mind only wants me to see. The perfect delusion.
The worst part is about to begin. I struggle with myself just trying to make this flashback end. I
try to make my eyes open back up to the real world. I fight back in a painful battle against my very own mind. I continue lying in bed, trying to get myself to wake up, move about. Do something to prevent this from continuing on any more.
I'm nestled comfortably in his protective arms that are wrapped around me. My tired head is resting gently on his slim, relaxed, chest as we sway back and forth gently together to a beat of music that only we can hear. i can strongly feel the fire filled heat rising up from his lower body. My own body ached all over for him so badly.
I pull way from his strong grasp as I glance up into his face. I witness his powerful dark eyes staring back at me. His eyes were filled with happiness along with a small pinch of pure lust swirling around, filling them up.
He leans down to me, touching his lips to mine once again. Only this time was different than before. He pressed his body up against mine with a brutal force that I had never felt from him before.
His hands that were once so soft, and gentle had become rough and stone cold. The once exhilarating heat that I had just felt from his body was now gone and replaced with frigid, and cold. I felt his tense hands gnawing madly at my thin dress covering my now frightened body. I struggled to pull myself out of his arms, but I did not leave them. He was far to strong for me.
He stops his hands mid action and looks at me. The frightening expression he had terrified me even more.
"I'm here with you, in your arms. Is that not enough?" I ask him with a hint of uncertainty in my now weak voice. "Did you transcend into a dark world of sensual emptiness, and come back with a heart filled with nothing but bitter lust?"
He looked at me with anger boiling in his intense eyes.
"My mind is going insane... Your standing right in front of me looking radiantly beautiful in your thin dress. I want to feel the sensation of your delicious body embracing mine. I'm mesmerized by the way you move. Your like an alluring drug to my body, and I'm becoming more and more addicted as time goes by." He said.
I'm filled with a repulsive disgust after hearing those words come out of his mouth.
"Do you not hear the words that your saying out loud? Your smitten with yourself. I am a woman who has self worth, morals, and dreams. Your repulsive, scheming actions attract only those who are willing to embrace them. I, and never will be, one of them."
I felt stronger and more confident having divulged my inner thoughts to him.
His grip on me seemed weakened as I tried pulling my body away. His ruling influence over me was now almost nonexistent. It was as if he no longer had any affect on me.
I remember seeing his face, shocked and filled with a growing amount of hate. I loved seeing that expression. I felt in control rather than being a puppet.
At that moment my eyes sprang open as I awoke from the nightmare. The joyous sun was beginning to rise bring with it a new day full of opportunities... I lay there in the bed looking around. The colorful wires attached to my chest, the IV running underneath the fresh bandages on my scraped up arm, the constant beeping of the monitors conveying my heart beat. I look up the dreadfully white ceiling tiles and think to myself " Why did he have to hurt me?"
Written by Crystal M. Larson
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Looking back
I was looking back at some of my old documents and I came across this. I wrote it back in my freshman year in high school. I was a bit guy crazy then.
October 20, 2008 10-20-08 11:20 AM
Today was a little weird. It started off with the long bus ride to school. Entered the gym, got my new class paper. Then it got weird. I look down at the pink paper and it said Computer apps, and art 2. I’m fine with art 2 but the computers apps was weird because I don’t have internet, thanks to mom, so I was wondering how that was going to work out for me. The day went on and I soon went to that very class. Turns out Taylor, whatever his last name is; was there with some of his other friends, and I thought, well this shall be wonderfully interesting. It ended up that we were partnered up for a stupid little exercise thing that involved typing with each other on the same stupid key board, with my big fingers, and his small hands. How bloody fucking wonderful. Well I had no say in it so, what the hell. I told him about me and my big ass family, typed on the computer and all went well until he got up to go and said “ well, it was nice working with you” and I had to open up my big ass mouth and say “ I wish I could say the same” with a sassy smirk on my stupid face. I find this ironic because I asked “the cards” this Morning and “they” told me to keep low and only speak when it was majorly important to do so. But I, being who I am, can’t do that. But I must admit that I was doing wonderful all day, up until that one little, moment when I could have just as easily smiled and said something just as polite like him.
Well you can’t take back the past, you just have to work with what you got. And so I must conclude in today’s entry that tomorrow is another chance to do it right, or screw up all over again. But then again it could have been worse, and I’m thankful that it wasn’t. All I can do is try again, if I don’t get cut from the class as I just might, because of the whole internet component. We shall see. Or I shall see, then report back to you, the computer that’s not really paying attention to what i have to say. NOW I’m JUST BABALING. Crap……bye…….For today………………..
The end! NO more! Finished! Ta-Dah.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Another to think about
once again I've been thinking about something. books have a way of really relating to you when they don't even know you. Here are two quotes that i got straight from books.
- "I rest in the grace of the world and I am free" Wendall Berry the Peace of Wild Things
- "Hate is stronger than fear." Cornelia Funke Inkdeath
And the last one that really blew my mind away.
- "I ask you: What would you do if you were me? Tell me. Please tell me! But you are far from this. your fingers turn the strangeness of these pages that somehow connect my life to yours. Your eyes are safe. the story is just another few hundred pages of your mind. For me, it's here. It's bow." Markus Zusak I Am the Messenger
When I read that last one I wanted to stop and put the book down as if it contained death itself. But i didn't stop. I was intrigued and wanted to keep going even if what came next would make me shiver in thought. My point is that words have so much power than we tend to think they have. If we all considered what words could really do, do you think there would still be so much harm and war in this world?
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Why
a crowd consist of countless individuals. Remember you're unique just like everyone else.
It seems to me that the people that tend to dress in all black or in a rainbow of colors are trying to stand out by making a statement with their clothes. and yet the person next to them is doing the same but in a different style. it's a bit pointless if you think about it. but yet every human does it. If your trying to blend in or stand our, your trying to make a point notice me or don't notice me.
It seems to me that the people that tend to dress in all black or in a rainbow of colors are trying to stand out by making a statement with their clothes. and yet the person next to them is doing the same but in a different style. it's a bit pointless if you think about it. but yet every human does it. If your trying to blend in or stand our, your trying to make a point notice me or don't notice me.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Part One of my life
I don't know what i should blog about right now. I've read some wonderful blogs today and i have found that they all have one major thing in common. They're about the authors life or a certain day in their life. I would do the dame but my life isn't all that interesting.
But i guess that i might as well give it a try. the following is a true story of my life
I was born in a big city with a pot head for a mom. I had an older brother and he took care of me when i was born. From what I've been told we went from one homeless shelter to another. My mom did drugs most of the time, while my brother stole from stores to put diapers on my white butt. When i was about two and a half years old my mom had some to the conclusion that she couldn't take care of my brother and i. took her long enough! So she brought my bother and i to live with my grandmother in a smaller town about four hours away. Now fast forward about five years and we stop about the time that my brother went into foster care. My brother wasn't used to the concept that we would be given everything that we would need to live. Before he would have to steal for us to survive. My grandmother didn't have the patience to teach him how to not steal, so off he went to become property of the state/ go into the foster care system. He would end up going from home to home and then go into juvenile hall by the age of fifteen. I stayed with my grandmother who later on adopted me when i was at the young age of seven. Now fast forward again until you hit the present time. I'm sixteen years old and will be seventeen here soon. I'm still living with my grandma whom i call mom. As for my brother lets just say that once he turned eighteen he was released from jail and got a job.down in Florida working on roofs. He then moved back to the small small town and got a different job. until he was recently fired from it for lying on a pee test. He's been doing drugs from what I've been told. I haven't talked to him in about three years. My uncle was the one that got him the job so that's how i new what was going on.
I will always have a special bond with my brother. I love him dearly but at times i just want to disown him for his stupid mistakes.He remembers where we came from better than me and yet he goes out and does the things that messed up our lives to begin with.
Now that i think about it i cant really call him my brother because we...better yet I don't know who my father is. And i can tell you that Jeffrey ( my brother that I'm talking about) and i don't have the same fathers. His is Mexican. And I'm totally white, so so that rules out one guy for sure. I've always wanted to know who my father is. My theory is that one day my mom got really high got raped and i was conceived. But that's just my theory.
Wow! that's a lot that i just typed there. and to think that i left out a lot of things about my past. That was just a fast summery. Damn!
I don't really know if you readers would be interested in reader more of my past so just leave a comment saying you want the rest of the story or something like that.
But i guess that i might as well give it a try. the following is a true story of my life
I was born in a big city with a pot head for a mom. I had an older brother and he took care of me when i was born. From what I've been told we went from one homeless shelter to another. My mom did drugs most of the time, while my brother stole from stores to put diapers on my white butt. When i was about two and a half years old my mom had some to the conclusion that she couldn't take care of my brother and i. took her long enough! So she brought my bother and i to live with my grandmother in a smaller town about four hours away. Now fast forward about five years and we stop about the time that my brother went into foster care. My brother wasn't used to the concept that we would be given everything that we would need to live. Before he would have to steal for us to survive. My grandmother didn't have the patience to teach him how to not steal, so off he went to become property of the state/ go into the foster care system. He would end up going from home to home and then go into juvenile hall by the age of fifteen. I stayed with my grandmother who later on adopted me when i was at the young age of seven. Now fast forward again until you hit the present time. I'm sixteen years old and will be seventeen here soon. I'm still living with my grandma whom i call mom. As for my brother lets just say that once he turned eighteen he was released from jail and got a job.down in Florida working on roofs. He then moved back to the small small town and got a different job. until he was recently fired from it for lying on a pee test. He's been doing drugs from what I've been told. I haven't talked to him in about three years. My uncle was the one that got him the job so that's how i new what was going on.
I will always have a special bond with my brother. I love him dearly but at times i just want to disown him for his stupid mistakes.He remembers where we came from better than me and yet he goes out and does the things that messed up our lives to begin with.
Now that i think about it i cant really call him my brother because we...better yet I don't know who my father is. And i can tell you that Jeffrey ( my brother that I'm talking about) and i don't have the same fathers. His is Mexican. And I'm totally white, so so that rules out one guy for sure. I've always wanted to know who my father is. My theory is that one day my mom got really high got raped and i was conceived. But that's just my theory.
Wow! that's a lot that i just typed there. and to think that i left out a lot of things about my past. That was just a fast summery. Damn!
I don't really know if you readers would be interested in reader more of my past so just leave a comment saying you want the rest of the story or something like that.
I agree
i got these two messages in a couple of fortune cookies today.
the more one knows the less he believes. And i got An honest look covers many faults also.
I would have to agree with the first one because the more facts or previous experience a person has then that person is prepared for the next judgment that has to be made. The second one kinda goes with the first one subject wise. things are not always what the seem to be, and you need prior knowledge to understand and recognize the faults being hidden.
But in a way the first one is sorta saying that there's a lot of lies out in the world.
i hope that what i wrote makes sense to you all.
the more one knows the less he believes. And i got An honest look covers many faults also.
I would have to agree with the first one because the more facts or previous experience a person has then that person is prepared for the next judgment that has to be made. The second one kinda goes with the first one subject wise. things are not always what the seem to be, and you need prior knowledge to understand and recognize the faults being hidden.
But in a way the first one is sorta saying that there's a lot of lies out in the world.
i hope that what i wrote makes sense to you all.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
All In The Word
I'm having a total stupid moment... i just realized that word assassinate has two asses in it and it takes two asses (people) for the word to become and action. I feel very blonde right now.
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